Sperm Donor Adventures

Happy month of miracles! The miracle of gayness is always upon me. Constantly happy about that.

This Jewish month of Kislev is known as the month of dreaming. The ever embracing dark time heralds us into Chanukah, the holiday of miracles.

Has anyone else been completely internal? Whenever I can not talk or go inside myself this month, it’s been like a warm hug. I’m feeling really private. It feels expanding but in an inside job kind of way. As I’ve been cultivating this, so many miracles have been happening. I feel hesitant but also guided to tell you about some of them. Deep breath, here goes:

I am on a journey to become a parent. (Tempted to write that in uppercase for drama, but holding back, just bolding it.) Many of you are probably thinking, yea, ok, awesome but also, no big deal. Those of you on a similar journey can perhaps relate? Others of you, the parents among us, are probably like, this is the biggest deal ever. The parents are also like: you have no idea Rebekah, no idea. 

I really don’t, I acknowledge that. I’ve been freaking out about this journey for many years. I’ve always wanted kids, I’ve struggled with all the questions queer people struggle with: Why bring another kid into this world? Should I wait and do it single or wait for the perfect co parent? Is my gay best friend my perfect co parent? No, he doesn’t want kids. Should I look online for a gay cis male couple to co parent with? This is ridiculous, how am I not pregnant already? I mean gay sex feels super fertile! I just went on a date with this wonderful person who I’m sure is my soul mate and we’ll have beautiful children together - where will we get sperm?

Yes, I’ve really wanted do it with a partner, and have a family. And, I’m single right now. After the recent demise of my last relationship, I came to a deeper committment to doing this thing solo. Solo meaning, not with a partner but with community, family-chosen and blood, and the support of the wise universe. I’ve come to terms and even gotten to a place of great joy and excitement of my situation. No one else gets to weigh in on babies name. The kid is definitly going to be raised in the Jew witch fashion, I can decide for myself whether to do elimination communication or use cloth diapers, without consulting anyone else. There are a lot of pros to this solo parenting thing. 

Sperm Donor Adventures

As soon as I let go of my last relationship, it started raining sperm. Seriously (it was validating, because that was a difficult decision!). I had been asking friends, people I knew and gotten no’s. Recently it got to the point that literally everywhere I went I was thinking about people as potential sperm donors. Now that I’m 41, going on 42, I have no time to spare. Must make this happen asap. My Uranus makes an interesting transit that suggests I’m probably more fertile now than most people my age but biology is literally a thing and I don’t have the resources to do IVF, nor do I want to at this point (of course I could change my mind about this and refinance my house once I start trying). 

What happened is, I went public. I got on Facebook and put out an ask for sperm. I heard back from numerous people who had connections or were actual sperm card carrying citizins. I had a friend ask their sperm donor and got a yes, they would also be happy to donate to me. Then, I put it out on Tinder. That was when the sperm really started raining. I seriously didn’t even have time to write everyone back! Apparently more cis men and trans women (I had one offer) than I could have imagined are happy to pass along their fecund sperm. I have new found love for cis men (Very easy for me to love trans women). 

Amidst all of this, I found out I have an 8.5 cm cyst on my left ovary and need to get surgery. The universe does not fuck around. It’s something I knew about (and had a cancer scare a number of years ago related to it) but it’s gotten big enough that I need to have it removed. I’m praying I don’t need to have my ovary removed (please send good thoughts if you are so inclined). I do have another ovary so pregnancy is still possible.

I have SO MUCH more to say about this process- gender and parenthood, queerness, social stigma, doctors, surgeons, Medicaid, plants that heal (I’m doing all the things), self-massage, community, magic. I think I’m going to have to keep sharing about it. 

For now, insemination is on hold until after surgery. Despite this bump in the road, I am feeling incredibly dedicated to this child that is coming and this journey to parenthood. Wishing anyone on similar journeys whether a creative project, adopting or fostering or creating a life inside them so much love and support.